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What Tiger Woods Must Say to the Public (Satire)
Published: February 18, 2010
When Woods stands in front of the microphone at 11 a.m. Friday, he might as well go for it all.
Seriously, el Tigre, why not roll with this? Have some fun out there. We’ve all been waiting to see your mug since you plowed your Cadillac SUV into a fire hydrant.
Too bad we’ve only seen some horrific picture of you in some hoodie outside of a sex clinic. And was that a goatee I saw?
I thought only baseball players could rock goatees. Oh well, I guess that just adds to the clown status.
And didn’t most of you feel dirty looking at him walking out of a sex clinic?
Sorry. Back to the circus.
Everyone wants to know what Tiger should say. This is where a publicist will step in and script him the perfect words.
I say that's a huge mistake.
Tiger should hire me as his publicist and just totally rock out this “press conference” to the nth-degree. Let’s really mess with the public and Ellen, Edin, Elin…whatever.
Now I’m no master of words, but I think I have the perfect script for my boy.
All Tiger has to do is read what’s in the quotes and follow the directions that aren't. So here it is:
“First, I’d like to thank my fans, friends, and—most importantly—my family for standing by my side. I’d also like to thank the baby Jesus for giving me such a wonderful opportunity to exploit women. Without Him, none of this is possible. And last, but certainly not the least, I’d like to thank myself for capitalizing on it.
“Remember the 2005 Masters, when Verne Lundquist screamed, 'In your life, have you seen anything like that?' Well, I couldn’t help but think of that quote when I got a girl from the local pancake house. ...
Article Source: Bleacher Report - Golf
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